Feel like it has been a while since I just ranted on here. And there’s so much going on in my mind I just feel like ranting. Don’t know where to start but whatever. I’ve always admired people who were really brave, because I never was that person. But Allah helped me throughout my life. And I can’t help but just think how incredibly lucky I am, that in this life, Allah allowed me to be from among the believers. May He guide me till the end and keep me on the straight path. I’m so lucky, because I get to talk to the King of all kings, the Creator of all creation, and the best part of life is being able to have that connection. It’s so comforting to talk to Allah… no matter who you talk to, no one can fill the void in your soul or in your heart except Him. Because with people you have to explain in words which sometimes fall short, you have worries if they understood you, you have misunderstandings. People can’t give you solutions all the time, nor can they always bear to understand or hear your deepest most intricate feelings or thoughts. But with Allah, you just turn your mind to Him and instantly, in that single moment where your attention went to your Lord, you are understood, cared for, and listened to in the deepest level, a level that humans often cannot reach. I always have so many worries, and I know a lot of this is the whispers from shaytan…may Allah give me a stronger sense of Tawakkul and confidence…but I always have worries. And right now in my life…I keep thinking, how will I handle all the things that are coming? I worry about my parents. How will they do as they are getting older? They work so hard everyday..what have I done to serve them? How will my siblings be as they grow? What about my future roles, will I be able to do what is right and also do it with wisdom? I am so afraid of change…and I know it takes a toll on me, but change is a part of life. I just have to bear with it positively, and try to be the strongest I can be. I have to do that, and only with Allah’s help and guidance can I go through it all with a smile on my face. But in the dark silent hours, I will take some time to allow myself to release my worries to my Lord, because only He knows how hard it is for me and only He can strengthen me where I am weak. How lucky am I, that I get to have that moment, where I can tell all my thoughts and fears to Allah, and He will listen to me, and I can rely on Him…SubhanAllah. And surely do hearts find peace in the remembrance of Allah.
The thing that scares me the most though, the most frightening worry I have, is what if…while thinking of others and all the duties of this dunya I forget the main thing: What does Allah think of me?
How am I in the sight of my Rabb? Maintaining human relations is so hard. People are not,and never will be as merciful, as kind, as generous, and as loving as Allah swt. That’s why sometimes we put more effort in pleasing people than we do in pleasing Allah. Just…Allah save me from that. Make my number one goal in life be to please You. And this big fear I have…I know and hope it will stay with me till the end inshaAllah. Till the last moment where my soul will be on its way to Allah, and until I might hear the Angels say:
“O reassured soul,
Return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing [to Him],
And enter among My [righteous] servants,
And enter My Paradise.” (89:27-30)
That moment, my fears and worries will finally be reassured. Until then, this is just the trial of life, and Alhamdulillah for that as well. Allah, pleeeeaaaasse make me from the people who will hear these words. Help me to lead that kind of life. I know I do a lot of mistakes, but please forgive me, guide me, grant me knowledge and wisdom, and protect me from an extravagant lifestyle, from shaytan, and from my nafs. Ameen.