A Jumble of Thoughts…

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Photo credit: ayatannur.wordpress.com

Assalamualaikum…

Feel like it has been a while since I just ranted on here. And there’s so much going on in my mind I just feel like ranting. Don’t know where to start but whatever. I’ve always admired people who were really brave, because I never was that person. But Allah helped me throughout my life. And I can’t help but just think how incredibly lucky I am, that in this life, Allah allowed me to be from among the believers. May He guide me till the end and keep me on the straight path. I’m so lucky, because I get to talk to the King of all kings, the Creator of all creation, and the best part of life is being able to have that connection. It’s so comforting to talk to Allah… no matter who you talk to, no one can fill the void in your soul or in your heart except Him. Because with people you have to explain in words which sometimes fall short, you have worries if they understood you, you have misunderstandings. People can’t give you solutions all the time, nor can they always bear to understand or hear your deepest most intricate feelings or thoughts. But with Allah, you just turn your mind to Him and instantly, in that single moment where your attention went to your Lord, you are understood, cared for, and listened to in the deepest level, a level that humans often cannot reach. I always have so many worries, and I know a lot of this is the whispers from shaytan…may Allah give me a stronger sense of Tawakkul and confidence…but I always have worries. And right now in my life…I keep thinking, how will I handle all the things that are coming? I worry about my parents. How will they do as they are getting older? They work so hard everyday..what have I done to serve them? How will my siblings be as they grow? What about my future roles, will I be able to do what is right and also do it with wisdom? I am so afraid of change…and I know it takes a toll on me, but change is a part of life. I just have to bear with it positively, and try to be the strongest I can be. I have to do that, and only with Allah’s help and guidance can I go through it all with a smile on my face. But in the dark silent hours, I will take some time to allow myself to release my worries to my Lord, because only He knows how hard it is for me and only He can strengthen me where I am weak. How lucky am I, that I get to have that moment, where I can tell all my thoughts and fears to Allah, and He will listen to me, and I can rely on Him…SubhanAllah. And surely do hearts find peace in the remembrance of Allah.

The thing that scares me the most though, the most frightening worry I have, is what if…while thinking of others and all the duties of this dunya I forget the main thing: What does Allah think of me?

How am I in the sight of my Rabb? Maintaining human relations is so hard. People are not,and never will be as merciful, as kind, as generous, and as loving as Allah swt. That’s why sometimes we put more effort in pleasing people than we do in pleasing Allah. Just…Allah save me from that. Make my number one goal in life be to please You. And this big fear I have…I know and hope it will stay with me till the end inshaAllah. Till the last moment where my soul will be on its way to Allah, and until I might hear the Angels say:

“O reassured soul,

Return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing [to Him],

And enter among My [righteous] servants,

And enter My Paradise.” (89:27-30)

That moment, my fears and worries will finally be reassured. Until then, this is just the trial of life, and Alhamdulillah for that as well. Allah, pleeeeaaaasse make me from the people who will hear these words. Help me to lead that kind of life. I know I do a lot of mistakes, but please forgive me, guide me, grant me knowledge and wisdom, and protect me from an extravagant lifestyle, from shaytan, and from my nafs. Ameen.

My Privelege

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Photo credit: ayatannur.wordpress.com

“Given my privilege as a woman, I only degrade myself by trying to be something I’m not – and in all honesty – don’t want to be: a man. As women, we will never reach true liberation until we stop trying to mimic men, and value the beauty in our own God-given distinctiveness.

If given a choice between stoic justice and compassion, I choose compassion. And if given a choice between worldly leadership and heaven at my feet—I choose heaven.”

Imagine

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I did these set of paintings for my room. I think I finished them a few months ago…seems already like its been such a long time. Each one has a meaning to me, I don’t want to explain it in detail because I think each person should find their own meaning in art, to what is relevant to them. For me though it has multiple ways to be looked at. In short it’s a reminder to myself, to hold on to the tools that will help me get through this world when it becomes dark. And to never forget the ultimate dream. It’s to imagine the better days. Imagine a journey beyond this world. A journey hopefully leading to paradise inshaAllah.

Knowledge is purity. Knowledge is growth. Knowledge is flight. Imagine you’re sailing. To where knowledge becomes light.

Ramadan

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Ramadan is here Alhamdulillah and I’ve lived another year to witness it thus far. A blessing in itself. But nothing can compare to the nights of Ramadan, SubhanAllah. The air feels lighter, and yet thicker with with this feeling of hope and happiness that comes from within. It’s such a feeling… SubhanAllah. The feeling of Allah’s rahma [mercy]. It’s hard to explain it, it can only be felt through experiencing it. Alhamdulillah for everything. And may Allah forgive me for all that I am unable to be, and all the shortcomings that are in me. And may Allah grant peace to all the Muslims in this blessed month. Ameen.

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[Who say], “Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower. (3:8).

Thunderstorms…

There’s been a lot of thunderstorms recently. SubhanAllah. I love love the rain especially in the summer time, but when it comes with such intensity you can really feel Allah swt’s power and frankly it’s a bit frightening. I think only the arrogant can have no fear. May Allah prevent us from being amongst the arrogant. Rain is such a blessing. But too much can also be a punishment. SubhanAllah. May Allah guide us to be amongst the righteous.

Creative Block

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I haven’t been up to date with my art stuff lately. It’s been on a long hold and I’m going through a major artist’s block I think. Sometimes the inspiration comes, but I just find myself not having, or rather not making the time to do anything about it. I’ve also been kind of sick so that might have something to do with it…and being behind on school work definitely doesn’t help the equation.

I just hope I can get back on track. In my deen especially. If I manage my time around pleasing Allah, Allah will inshaAllah make everything easier. I just need to take that step.

اللَّهُمَّ لَا سَهْلَ إِلَّا مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلًا ، وَأَنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الْحَزْنَ إِذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلًا
O Allah, there is no ease except in that which You have made easy, and You make the difficulty, if You wish, easy.